Wait.

When will I learn? I mean, I am always making the same mistakes--the same boring and untalented acts--and yet I don't learn from it. Don't you think it is somewhat stupid to even call yourself smart if you aren't smart and decisive with your actions.

First Query: Is it really failure? Is this rain a failure? No, because there is no such thing as failure. Failure are only made by people, not man-made entities. Man thinks it is failure because it is to him. But, in truth, he is the failure because he missed the point: it is only there to make you think again.

Second Query: Do you think I'm stupid? Yeah, because you are forgetful. You are stupid because you only understand half truths and whole lies. You are stupid because you regard yourself as a much more stupid person. Stupid? Yes, because you are.

There you have it, all the dilemmas and predicaments I pondered as I am walking home. Haha, funny ain't it?

Hmmp to you too, minuteman.

I am mad at you and you didn't even noticed. Am I just too easy to be ignored? I mean, I opened up to you and trusted you. And, what did you do? Oh yeah, you spoiled my little secret. Trust, for me, is the only thing I couldn't give recklessly. And, by just one mistake, it may be gone to you. View it as if I am giving you two candies for yourself. But, you stupidly shared the other one to someone as arrogant as you, then you see my point. Then you ask yourself, where is the candy? In some other's tummy, fool. I gave it to you?! Why did you shared it with someone else??

For this, I hate you. Sorry, but the situation is entirely irreversible. When you look at it, it is nothing but a fallen leaf but to me, it is a whole tree. A whole tree was toppled by someone so dim-witted as you. *Sigh*

I am feeling sorry for you. It is because you just let me see how shallow-minded you are. Still, you swim near the shore; please try the deep waters. Then I will see you drowning. And, trust me, I will take a picture of you drowning as a remembrance of my success of revenge.

Stop waving, dammit!

It felt like good bye. I mean, it really did. Am I supposed to look at it as if it is even ironic, or should I walk to him and say something that can help restore what was lost? Can I, in my powers, can do such trememdous task? Yes, maybe, if it is my last resort.

Stop waving, dammit. You are not helping. You are supposed to be helping him to get back to us and not tolerating his sudden behavior. Believe, I tell you. Believe. Believe even once--believe as if you will die tomorrow and you are preventing it--believe as if you are just saying hello instead of good bye.

You know what, I can't write anymore. I can't continue this. I should be doing it, not jsut writing it. But, when all else fails, maybe it is a good bye. Maybe we can't prevent him from choosing his own path, even if we think he is choosing a wrong one. Maybe, it is too early to judge something so gargantuan, so big. Maybe, we'll just have to wait. Patience, my boy. Patience.

Because of you.

Who broke the puzzle? Was it you? Of course it is you, I caught you red-handed. You are disarranging everything and making unnecessary marks on my lovely piece. Who are you, you didn't even put effort in setting it up, then look at you: you are ruining my picturesque of beauty. Who will I accuse? Who else?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You've made quite a mess. You destroyed my puzzle, you put water to my paper, you smeared my only loved letters with ink. How stupid can you get? Even better?? Duh, I mean, you are a college student yourself, you always make it a point that you came from a prestigious school (who by the way is really unknown to me), and you are honed by a different set of friends, yet you still make the same mistake. Is it intentional? Is it? Tell me, or I will not spare you my understanding.

I am always doubtful if ever it is you that I am supposed to blame. I mean, you are that same childish teenager who I don't get along very well with, but still, you are as good as you are. Well, after what you've done, I can't tell anymore. You are that klutz--klutz with words, actions, and almost everything. No, I mean, everything.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I can really tell that it is you who is supposed to be blame. We are a good circle. A near perfect circle. But, what you did is that you erased a part of it and draw a skewing line. Stupid, stupid.

Put the gun in your mouth and push the trigger.

Do you remember what I wrote about lying? I can't believe I will be taking part in that hypothesis. And, in one part of it, I have to lie to myself.

Is is really necessity to lie to yourself? You always tell yourself that everything is as okay as it is before it is broken, yet you know to yourself that it is never okay. You always look away from seeing something, yet you know there is something going on that is bad.

"Willful ignorance is intolerable."

Is it really intolerable? Yeah, maybe, because you are making a fool out of yourself. I mean, who is stupid enough to believe in himself that everything is good as it is? Willful ignorance is like doing a favor to yourself. Instead of indulging yourself in the abhorrent "wordly" splendour, you just sit silently in a corner, pretending like a wussy little girl hiding beneath his momma's dress. Bad? No, of course not. It is good for you, remember?

Well, it ends here. I don't want to expound on the same fact that I am lying to myself. I can't even tell myself to be good to me even once. Even once.

Raison D'etre (Reason to Be)

There she lays, in the half-lit corridor, naked & in peace. Distraught took over her; she was overpowered by desire. There she lays, a knife at hand, silenced as if mute. Her eyes swollen from fear, her tears filled. Slowly, it rilled down, pulled by the weight above her.

Despair, despair. Her arms were seized by darkness. She shouted but no help echoed in the gloomy abyss. She shrieked but only heard herself strained by the hopeless terror before her.

She felt every finger, every hand and every slap. Out of the lust, her life was transformed. Whispers are all over her; her heart, beaten and terrified to even fight back.

She closed her eyes, wishing that everything is a dream. "Is it a dream?" she asked. She prayed and prayed but her voice was hushed by the nightmare.

Slowly, she felt her body being freed from the darkness. She sighed. And, inch by inch her body was being raised. The playful breeze mingled with her bare chest, telling her that everything will end. And, as if in an instant, she felt her body falling to a deeper circle, deeper than the voices she heard. Above, she can hear the mischievous laughters of the differed ones,as if observing her. Then, everything went to blank as she hears a silent fall beyond the trees.

Wahaha

My Japanese Name Is...

Shou Kujo

I don't think so

Liar goes to hell. Liar goes to hell. Ever heard of a liar that went up to heaven? Of course never, or you must be dead by now. Then, who are making all the replies to my question? Humm... Makes me wonder...

View lying as a necessity. Sometimes you really have to lie for one sole reason: you must protect something. You must save something from certain destruction or else, it will fall right before us. No, it is not white lies. White lies are lies you make to save yourself from being hated by that person. The lies i'm talking about are the lies of self-sustenance or, in other words, lies that can negate undermining relationships.

I guess I don't have anything to talk about. I just want to make it a point that lies are substantial in living and it is not a sin. Sometimes we have to do it to protect what we think is the best for me.

Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story ---- Movie Review # 1

This is my first movie review! How exciting is that! At least, I will know that my blog is now, as in now, interactive with the world. Hurrah, hurrah!

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Gory. I woke up in 1 in the morning and what did I found: a bloodthirsty man, seeking for another meal--a human meal, by the way--on the net. This, at first, looked scary. Who wanted to be asked to be dined? I mean, he is saying on his customers that he is dead serious about the eating and masticating and stuff but, who would?

Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story is not scary. It is just so UN-understandable. It has its eerie scenes where you will see his victim’s half-dead on a tin table and Oliver Hartwin holding the knife against his meal. Then, he stabbed him repeatedly on the throat until he was dead. From then on you will know what will happen to the dead guy (his name is Simon Grombeck). Imagine him carefully slicing the meaty parts, the thigh, the arms and the breasts, and slowly cooking them and eating them as if they were meat.

The story is all about a woman named Katie Armstrong, who was a student studying criminal psychology. She was preparing her researches about a rather disturbing topic: the cannibal killer Oliver Hartwin. In the movie, she went to places that have been part of Oliver's past: their home where his mother died & his school where he met a friend who was dealing the same problem as he is: inferiority.

Katie was really absorbed in her thesis topic. Her friends referred to her as being obsessed, but she replied, quoting "It is just human curiosity. We all have it." From then on she continued and pursued her research. And, on one point, she decided to look for the controversial tape, the tape that Oliver took himself, recording his manslaughter. To her surprise, her e-mail received a reply that a certain unnamed person has the tape. She continued to negotiate, preparing for the necessary arrangements for the proper retrieval. Oddly enough, as if by magic or something, the tape was in her doorstep the second she replied to that man her address.

The man told her to look outside. Then, the tape is there. Though bewildered, she got the tape then quickly went back inside. She went in front of the TV. She opened the package, which contained the VHS tape, then inserted it on the player. Then, the true story behind the hearsays.

There had been much feedback as she was watching; most often she closed her eyes and ears, trying not to let the screams, shrieks and cries get into her. But all of it was ineffective because she just cannot remove her eyes on it. All she did was sob and it was useless. And, in the end, she removed the tape, destroyed the film, and threw it on the ground. Then she crouched, sobbing and crying from the experience that is too true to her.

This movie was banned all over Germany--the country it was supposed to be for. The German court said that it was "infringing the personal rights of Armin Meiwes." It was from him the inspiration of the character Oliver Hartwin was withdrawn from. But, the film was sold for international release and is shown worldwide. So, there you have it.

Again, the Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story is not scary. It is not vulgar, either. It is just that, it was like auto-suggestion. It doesn't need words anymore to describe it because there are the scenes that recognize its entirety as a reminder that past can hurt and the past can destroy, too.

Hurrah, Hurrah.

In my opinion, this day is the most useless of my life. Many sharp edges have been drawn, many pencils have been left unsharpened and many scribbles are yet to be erased. Guess what, it is because of *drum roll please* you!

Why do you have to eat up my time only because you are required to do so? I mean, we all have our lives. Why urge yourself to be in my position when it is you in fact who have been at the top? You don't have to do this for me. I am flattered.

And, surprises, you made me go haywire. You destroyed my daily routines. Even my speeches of "leave me alone" or "ignore me, please" didn't worked. I had been worrying that someday, you may be able to interfere even with my most confidential affairs. How stupid are you? Or, rather, how stupid AM I?

Just to tell you, your dirty scheme worked again. Good for you! You are, at least, still useful! Even as if it is meant to destroy, I wish that you will continue what you have been doing in ages and maybe, just maybe, you will reconsider yourself how ignorant you are. Why? Can't you tell? I love you!

PS: Whoever you are, damn you. You are so so adorable to me. I wish I could just hang you like an afterwashed teddy bear in a clothesline and letting you drip with water. Maybe I could see you in an opposite way as I can see you now.

Burn.

PS: If you will read this, you can do two things. One is to plan a heist to kill me. Second is, set up a miniature torture cabinet with long nails embedded on the sides and going in it. It is justifiable to me if you will choose the first one. But, if the second one is your choice, there is something wrong with you. Go check yourself. Go to a psychologist or a sidewalk fortune teller. And, while going there, check your hands if you really have ten fingers. If it is only nine, I'm suggesting to you to start freaking out now.

PS2: What a start! Please read it or you will die in 3 minutes. Someone will creep up behind you and slash your head with a cutter. Please be aware of the details of the killer then tell them to me, okay?

First, let us discuss your uber-undecisive actions. Did you know that you are very very annoying? Yes, you are smart, witty, impractical and overtalented for a person. But, can't you just shut up? I mean, we want to hear ourselves too. Yes, your voice is loud (that is annoying too), but, you are too loud for me. The teacher is speaking and you're speaking too. You are suggesting topics that you can't stand by with, and you are making a fool out of yourself when with the "postmodern" tools. We already know you're from the province. Trust me, everyone knows.

Probably the next one is very very very annoying just because you can't do it right. You are always talking in a dialect you are not really familiar with. How stupid of you to talk stupidly, right? You sounded like a funny mouse with one ear and a short tail to me.

Third? Uhh... There is no third. Please, let us respect the third one because that is me.

You are annoying, face it. Only your peers are liking you. Not me. Too bad for you.

Bang! Bang!

Still, I am stagnant. Why must the good die young! I'm just joking. I'm sorry, I am not dying. So stop waving flags with smileys on them. They are an insult to my utter living in this world.

As a start, I have nothing to write about. Except those little details I misread this damn week. Here they are, bulleted with style!

• I am thankful this week because my new friends didn't break up. I really thought that we will be dead meat these following days but, thank God we are able to form those ties that are supposedly to be cut with big pair of scissors. I really hope that it will continue. Yup, I hope so.
• I am always thinking that everything has their purpose. Well, for this week, I think this had been set up for me to recollect my thoughts about some things. That is one thing I have thought of. The second is that this is a form of religious punishment. God punished me for being a big liar (and I will not expound more on that, thank you). I imagined that God will walk down the heavenly bridge to our house and come in and spank me in my ass but this is something else. God really is open minded. He has ways so different and ways that you will never ever forget. This experience taught me to be mindful of my ways and be careful about the fragility of life and frailty. Hurrah, hurrah. God had shown me something this week. And I really thought it is Beelzebub that has gotten into me.
• This taught me to be smart about myself. I mean, I always think that it is only me, me and me. Only to know in the end that it isn't only me. There really exist people that are called "them." I am not the only darn person in this world who are doing mistakes in life. I am just a speck in Earth's bushes.

Those are the general things I learned. Hopefully, you too may learn from it. And, if you ever get confused if this is from the Bible or not, don't be. This too is done by a complete failure like you. In here, complete failure means only one thing: a growing perfection.

Kelas, anyone?

This is the most inspiring instrumental blabber that has gotten me shivering still. Gotta listen to this, okay?

Okay, that was a bad start.

I really believe that the pasture is greener on the other side. Hah, I do. Now, on the lighter side.

o0O0o

I am stagnant this week. I am. With all the tests, seatworks, assignments and recitations I have missed, I can see that it will be hell next week. Adding insult to injury, I have to stay to bed for 4 days. 4 days! Can you imagine that! If I was water, mosquitos will breed on me. Plus, when we had that insulting check-up, they told me that I was having a fever. A F-E-V-E-R! Spell that to me & please identify how it can help me next week!

On the plus side, if there are, I was able to made serious words out of the texts of my blockmates, classmates, whatsoever. So here they are.

• Never say easy come, easy go. See it as a bird. If you have it in your hand, would you let it go? Of course no, it is hard to catch one. Imagine sitting in an open field with your palms open, waiting for anything to fall on your waiting hands.
• If possible, bind everything with a rope. Make sure it is secure and that everything is compacted. Imagine a can of sardines. Then you will see the hang of it.
• Look back. Maybe you are being tailed by a kidnapper or a hostage taker. Be very aware.
• Study yourself before you study others. Be sure they are of the same sex or else you will get that slap on your face or your first black eye ever.
• Lastly, be careful of your words. If you have to add, then add. Have to remove? Then do so. That is the beginning of every conflict: carelessness. If you can't stand up by your words, then just SHUT UP. Okay?

As a conclusion, sleep tight and remember to pray. Pray that you will be safe everyday. Or else, you will be asked to survive every damned moment you are on the news, telling you that you are in fact, been taken as a hostage. PS: it is not a valid school excuse. Well, unless we see proof, see you on the TV or local newspapers or some money.

I don't really have to, do I?

I don't really care. How shallow you are just to tell me that everything will change if I won't allow one thing--one moment--to pass by! Duh!

I'm sorry but this is murder. I wish for me to be killed. I don't know but any way any how I wish to be killed. Either now. Or later. Whatsoever! I just wanna be out of this body of mine! The frailty hurts more than the sickness, I tell you.

I really believe that the reason I am sick now is because of them. Why? It is their unintentional yet stupid words forced me off the limits. I mean, I know self-control. But when you're battered with a wooden chair that don't break, you will be forced to see yourself as they see you. Now look at me. Every single step heaves my breathing. Every up and down the stairs, and I am out of breath. Please don't let me tell the whole story; it will be lengthy and tearful, I tell you. It will be then that you will see me as that stupid midget who does as what others tell him. I am stupid, by the way; I know I am.

PS: I have to be honest to myself. I really have to.

No.

I don't like it anymore. It is like being someone so egocentric and so foolish enough just to say something in an argument. And, hurrah, hurrah, it's me!

Stupid? Yes! I am very meek, too shy to hurt someone. My words are harsh that's why I am trying to be laconic. Too bad, I say to myself, or I will be bad myself.

o0O0o

This day is very, very weird. Everyone, even if supposed to be unaffected, was hurt by certain circumstances. Even I am trying to bind the link. But, my hands are very weak. They are trembling, as if I am flimsy myself. Even if, I always tell myself, I will do everything. As in everything.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I even expected that everything will be done in just only one whole day. How stupid! I know it is hard to mend large holes. I know it is somehow complicated to put small things by their shapes (if they even have shapes). One thing there: I should have been considerate enough to know what may come.

Well, like we always say, thank God there is always something to expect. Or else...