Uhmm... I am overwhelmed.

What kind of a leader am I?! Instead of just doing our projects, here am I, doing my blog. Funny, ain't it?

So I guess my blog will be filled with nonsense. Better put, let's just fill it with nonsense!

• We have a lot of projects. We have thesis for our Filipino course, a presentation for Sociology-Anthropology subject and the ever-strenuous Computer practical exams that, if you missed, you'll die for sure! And guess what: we are lost! Hmm... And, adding insult to injury, I am a leader in one of those projects! It is not that I don't want responsibilities, but I don't want people to be leaning on me. A handful of people, that is. I am scared, because it is my first time to be actually going through the "being a leader" thing. Harhar.
• This is the worst of my days! My bag strap snapped, I wasn't able to get even 1 point for our recitation, my works are vigorously commented and my effort in changing clothes is for a useless cause: what a conundrum! I generally hate this day.
• About the recitation in Sociology-Anthropology, I am very disappointed. I studied, look at my book! It is highlighted! I am mad. That subject is not about who studied anymore but about who is able to write his answers beforehand in a piece of paper. Inasmuch as I wanted to curse, I know I did my best and I did study. I learned and not just wrote, duh! Grr! I am frustrated!
• Biochemistry! Biochemistry! I am really afraid of that subject. I may fail. Nooo! Don't fall to oblivion. Hold on. Help me!

So... I guess that is all. Nonetheless I must put everything to it. That is a promise.

Looks like I am stuck in the past these days.

I guess I am stuck in the past--still waiting and forever dreaming that someday things will return to the way they are. It is like standing in the middle of the rain, hoping that the sun will appear after I catch every raindrop the clouds heave upon my frail body. I feel so stupid right now, even if I know I am doing the right thing. What is happening to me? What have become of me? I am not like this before. I know I am even better back then. Just resting, jovial, almost excited, always amazed and incredibly hopeful--that is me.

Where is that man who said to himself that he will make better use of his God-given talents? Where is that man who said to others to wait and see what he can do to the world? WHERE is that man?

Generally, I am sad. I conclude, therefore, I am demented.

Scram.

I hate everything I have been doing to myself lately. I chose then chose not to; I hoped but hoped not to. What's wrong with me?? I haven't been "decisive" about everything that crossed my path. Is this, by any chance, the contradiction between a chance and a choice? I'm scared.

Okay, so what's up with my life? I guess, none YET. I have many things I am looking forward to and I hope my expectations won't dry out. Here are the updates:

(1) Toodleloo! We are going to Cebu tomorrow! Yatta~! But guess what: I am not excited! Good, ain't it? My original plan was boycott but I had to accompany them. The word "accompany" now seemed like going with a dog in the park! Creepy but true. O.o

(2) I am constantly praying for a high grade in Sociology & Anthropology course. Please, I beg of you, help me. No. Save me!

So I guess there are only two things. And it all comes down to this: why is it always up to number 2? Can't I update myself better? Can anybody help me with my grades? Can I at least achieve a third or so in my "updates" list? Can I write better questions?? Ok. I'm done with it.

Read the title. Scram. It's a word, duh.

Yatta~!

After a thousand tries, it has finally come down to this. Well, at least I am glad that I was able to open this, uhh, thing.

You see, I had been opening it since November and I was kind of hoping for some good comments. Unfortunately, the turn-out was zero; I have to declare first to my former classmates that I added a new post on my blog before they could even say to themselves that they remember. That is a bad thing: it only means that I am easy to be forgotten. Anyways, just an update, I will write again. Or so it seems.

For one, I am often ridiculed with many people. It is not because I think that I am being a paranoid, exclaiming with a satanic voice, "were you talking about me??" That would be the last thing I would do in a strange crowd. But, as my first statement goes, I really do no know hope to cope up with it. My sister said to me once that the difference between an animal and a human being is that we have schizophrenia; we have that distant voice in our heads that is telling us to always fight to reach the top and subjecting us to listen and conform with it. I guess that is not normal. If that is not normal, then maybe we are not just imperfect but really disarranged. You want proof? Go out with an insane woman then talk about being insane. Ooh, I do not make sense.

Second, just a speculation, I really am a loner. Boohoohoo. It is not that I seek for something special, it is that I expect more. I guess contentment is not in my system. I am always thirsty though drenched and always hungry though a cornucopia of delicacies is set before me. Is it greed? Avarice? Gluttony?? Of course not. IT is hunger. Feed me in an insaniquarium.

Hmm... I guess that's a wrap. There is nothing special, just private. And, as everybody does know, the net is not the place meant for secrets. Beware of the blackmail, says the ad. Hmm... I think this is a journal, not a diary, moreover psychotherapy. Haha.

Now, it is me.

It was so drastic--very drastic--that even others can see it. What a fool am I! All I can say is that, now, I am uncovered leaf after leaf. That is too embarrassing for me! Wah!

+The Lighter Side+

On the lighter side, I think I am, uhh... I can't think of anything good.

+Void: No Lighter Side+

I think the "shuffle" is hurriedly done. I mean, why the heck could there be an existing camaraderie of blockmates in just one section when there are others that are actually "shuffled"? No offense, but I don't like the whole idea. Why shuffle when we can't retain what that word really means?? Furthermore, if it is done "randomly", would it be a distilled chance that there would still be things that are unshuffled. Think about it.

Okay, so I am rude. I guess I am just mad.

Now, scram! Get lost. I am done.

Peace!

... I feared the worst... And it did happen.

Well, I wasn't able to write for so long is because I had been busy -- very busy with the matters of the heart. I know I must be open with you, I must. Or else, I might as well stick knives at everybody. For that, I am sorry -- I am sorry I forgot everything about my medicine.

For one thing, I theorize things and set them up. And here's the thing: I believe journal writing is psychotherapy. It is the only way we can divert our attention in crucial patterns of jovial massacre and a possible vendetta in our own backyard. If we could only let our killing pleasures --as how I "theorize" it would sound like-- suppressed, then this will be the best resort. This is, by far, the best damn thing ever (thinking about Avril).

Moving on, there are many things that happened with me these weeks. I will keep them summarized for you to analyze. Here it is:

(1) For a conclusion: I have been relieved. Finally. Finally the finals ended with a final blow. Ha ha. I am losing grip! Well, the final exams ended with a very cute credits. That's all I could say.

(2) Well, my heart will be gone forever. She will not come back. Come to think of it, she never really came. She was never by my side -- never.

(3) I am not really getting the hang of it. Maybe my fingers are too tired to be complying to my every moves. I am tired; the circles in my eyes are getting darker. And darker. Maybe someday those skins will be able to cover my eyes.

Me and My Head

Be imaginative.

Like a little boy I pondered about how the flower got its beauty and how the moon was able to lighten up the darkness in my heart. I wondered, dreamt and slept with all the mishaps and shattered promises written in my palm. And, as they slide slowly, being erased by the calloused being as with me, they are thrown away, as if we never met.

Have we met?

You are like that distant silhouette in the curtained blank mind of mine. You are unreal to me but in my mind was a distant shadow of our last meeting. We met, right? For we, in reality, met sometime below the blue moon. We.... Did we?

And alas, I wished. But, like any other fairy tale, my words got lost with its master, for no wish will come true without any will. I really thought you were mine.. But... Were you?