Scram.

I hate everything I have been doing to myself lately. I chose then chose not to; I hoped but hoped not to. What's wrong with me?? I haven't been "decisive" about everything that crossed my path. Is this, by any chance, the contradiction between a chance and a choice? I'm scared.

Okay, so what's up with my life? I guess, none YET. I have many things I am looking forward to and I hope my expectations won't dry out. Here are the updates:

(1) Toodleloo! We are going to Cebu tomorrow! Yatta~! But guess what: I am not excited! Good, ain't it? My original plan was boycott but I had to accompany them. The word "accompany" now seemed like going with a dog in the park! Creepy but true. O.o

(2) I am constantly praying for a high grade in Sociology & Anthropology course. Please, I beg of you, help me. No. Save me!

So I guess there are only two things. And it all comes down to this: why is it always up to number 2? Can't I update myself better? Can anybody help me with my grades? Can I at least achieve a third or so in my "updates" list? Can I write better questions?? Ok. I'm done with it.

Read the title. Scram. It's a word, duh.

Yatta~!

After a thousand tries, it has finally come down to this. Well, at least I am glad that I was able to open this, uhh, thing.

You see, I had been opening it since November and I was kind of hoping for some good comments. Unfortunately, the turn-out was zero; I have to declare first to my former classmates that I added a new post on my blog before they could even say to themselves that they remember. That is a bad thing: it only means that I am easy to be forgotten. Anyways, just an update, I will write again. Or so it seems.

For one, I am often ridiculed with many people. It is not because I think that I am being a paranoid, exclaiming with a satanic voice, "were you talking about me??" That would be the last thing I would do in a strange crowd. But, as my first statement goes, I really do no know hope to cope up with it. My sister said to me once that the difference between an animal and a human being is that we have schizophrenia; we have that distant voice in our heads that is telling us to always fight to reach the top and subjecting us to listen and conform with it. I guess that is not normal. If that is not normal, then maybe we are not just imperfect but really disarranged. You want proof? Go out with an insane woman then talk about being insane. Ooh, I do not make sense.

Second, just a speculation, I really am a loner. Boohoohoo. It is not that I seek for something special, it is that I expect more. I guess contentment is not in my system. I am always thirsty though drenched and always hungry though a cornucopia of delicacies is set before me. Is it greed? Avarice? Gluttony?? Of course not. IT is hunger. Feed me in an insaniquarium.

Hmm... I guess that's a wrap. There is nothing special, just private. And, as everybody does know, the net is not the place meant for secrets. Beware of the blackmail, says the ad. Hmm... I think this is a journal, not a diary, moreover psychotherapy. Haha.

Now, it is me.

It was so drastic--very drastic--that even others can see it. What a fool am I! All I can say is that, now, I am uncovered leaf after leaf. That is too embarrassing for me! Wah!

+The Lighter Side+

On the lighter side, I think I am, uhh... I can't think of anything good.

+Void: No Lighter Side+

I think the "shuffle" is hurriedly done. I mean, why the heck could there be an existing camaraderie of blockmates in just one section when there are others that are actually "shuffled"? No offense, but I don't like the whole idea. Why shuffle when we can't retain what that word really means?? Furthermore, if it is done "randomly", would it be a distilled chance that there would still be things that are unshuffled. Think about it.

Okay, so I am rude. I guess I am just mad.

Now, scram! Get lost. I am done.

Peace!

... I feared the worst... And it did happen.

Well, I wasn't able to write for so long is because I had been busy -- very busy with the matters of the heart. I know I must be open with you, I must. Or else, I might as well stick knives at everybody. For that, I am sorry -- I am sorry I forgot everything about my medicine.

For one thing, I theorize things and set them up. And here's the thing: I believe journal writing is psychotherapy. It is the only way we can divert our attention in crucial patterns of jovial massacre and a possible vendetta in our own backyard. If we could only let our killing pleasures --as how I "theorize" it would sound like-- suppressed, then this will be the best resort. This is, by far, the best damn thing ever (thinking about Avril).

Moving on, there are many things that happened with me these weeks. I will keep them summarized for you to analyze. Here it is:

(1) For a conclusion: I have been relieved. Finally. Finally the finals ended with a final blow. Ha ha. I am losing grip! Well, the final exams ended with a very cute credits. That's all I could say.

(2) Well, my heart will be gone forever. She will not come back. Come to think of it, she never really came. She was never by my side -- never.

(3) I am not really getting the hang of it. Maybe my fingers are too tired to be complying to my every moves. I am tired; the circles in my eyes are getting darker. And darker. Maybe someday those skins will be able to cover my eyes.

Me and My Head

Be imaginative.

Like a little boy I pondered about how the flower got its beauty and how the moon was able to lighten up the darkness in my heart. I wondered, dreamt and slept with all the mishaps and shattered promises written in my palm. And, as they slide slowly, being erased by the calloused being as with me, they are thrown away, as if we never met.

Have we met?

You are like that distant silhouette in the curtained blank mind of mine. You are unreal to me but in my mind was a distant shadow of our last meeting. We met, right? For we, in reality, met sometime below the blue moon. We.... Did we?

And alas, I wished. But, like any other fairy tale, my words got lost with its master, for no wish will come true without any will. I really thought you were mine.. But... Were you?

I am reminiscient. I remember.

It's funny how very predictable we were back then. The first thing we do in the morning is sob, cram, scram and run. With all that endless assignments, lengthy memorization materials and very frightening examinations, we always resort to one thing: cram.

Ahh yes, cramming is not abnormal in a student, especially in my kind of system nowadays. It is when you do something enjoying and relatively distracting thing before doing your assignment. for example, we always play RAKION (but we don't nowadays -__-") before getting home. When we get home, it is almost the same. We turn the PC on and log in in our yahoo! messenger account. It is like as if it is prerecorded and almost every day we do it. Funny? Yes... Very funny indeed.

But now it is so different--very different. You are given the chance to either do your assignment or not. You are free to get in the class or not. You are given with that much freedom that, all you have to do is pass the exam and it is all right. That is college life. You are on your own with nothing but faith and a little common sense.

Scary? Maybe. But it is all up to you.

God, I really miss the high school life. And it is all because of this certain fact: we were innocents back then. We always bear in mind that there will be something we get after we do something. We always put things for tomorrow for we think that we, with much persuasion, will no longer record the assignment and, to spice up the teacher's favor, entice her with much stories she can relate to.

We were innocents. We are reminiscient. We remember. We think. Therefore, we are.

I am symposium-ed!

Drumroll, please! (Tan-ta-na-nan!)

Yup, maybe he's right. I can't serve two masters at once. But, why the hell am I doing this instead of listening intently? Well, get ready.

The first time I saw the so-called "invitation," I was shocked. It doesn't look very inviting to me. Yes, very scary.

(Listening.)

.......

.......

........

..........

..........

(Not Listening.)

He said that I must get to know the peak of my power, the time where I am most active and presumably smarter. But, what if I am a nocturnal smart-ass, that is, a night-active person? Do I have to catch up with my sleep or study now, pay later? Hmm...

(Listening.)
.......
.......
........
..........
..........
(Not Listening.)

If you have a rascal inside the house who is, by the way, having this relative obsession in bugging your workplace, we have our guidelines to follow. First, you must clean whatever dirt there is. It is so that you can breathe fresh air. Go ahead and clean the whole house if you want to. The main point of this activity is that you will be comfortable nad convenient. After that, turn off every distraction there is--the TV, radio or your maid's ranting mouth, the latter to be done if deemed necessary. And, last one, tie that rascal on a wooden beam or something. Better yet, put him in a sack and throw him somewhere dark. After that, eternal bliss!

(Listening.)
.......
.......
........
..........
..........
(Not Listening.)

Playing is a necessity. A necessity is needed by a person to live. Playing, for us, is counter strike fever. Therefore, Counter Strike is a necessity. Now that's logic.

(Listening.)
.......
.......
........
..........
..........
(Not Listening.)

Now I am confused. Is it entirely bad to depend on others just because you want them to be with you? Excuse my selfishness, but I don't think it is sufficient enough to only need a person just because you want to take advantage over her abilities. It is not always like that. Maybe you need her entirely. Maybe, just maybe, you need her more than love.

(Listening.)
.......
.......
........
..........
..........
.......
.......
........
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..........
.......
.......
........
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.......
.......
........
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(Save me from boredom!)

The Expected Messiah: No wonder Irony was Playing Its Part

The purest irony can only occur when you need it. Funny, ain't it?

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock. Funny, I thought, my sister's very very nervous. The result of the Nursing Board exam is coming up, and probably she's cringing about the news. Even I am really excited. But, here it goes.

The clock struck 8:00. I've been receiving texts from my x-classmates and blockmates that their sister, brother, cousin, niece, and almost everybody in their community had passed the board exam. I told my sister that the result is coming up. She looked up, wondering if she should slap me with her folder--the thick monstrosity all about mortgage--or throw me head first through the window. She did neither.

I texted my x-classmate, who was currently staring up at the list of successful examinees, to do me a little favor and look up my sister's name. Well, she replied that my sister was on the list. I told my sister, but she won't believe me. She is saying that she must see it herself. No wonder, I thought (again), it would be more compelling and believable to see it myself if I was in her place.

We turned the computer on and surfed the net. Now, even the computer isn't going as planned. I know it is supposed to be lightning-fast, as their ad was shouting, but the dial-up was better. Really better, I must say. And, because of that, we reverted to plan B.

What exactly is plan B? Well, to better explain it in few words, here it is: we went to PRC in person. My sister plotted this heinous crime. I was supposed to watch The Da Vinci Code on HBO! She ruined my dream of seeing the movie at a clear view, rather than the busted and pirated copy we owned. I want to watch The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it. Well, she pointed out, I have read the book version two times already, so, why watch if the book was better. She also reiterated that that moment was severe, and she really need our support. Well, she got a point. I sighed. Oh, well then.

My sister was shivering. It was very evident as we are en route to the place. I am, too, although I never believed that I too will gain from it. Anyways, after those hours I strained her from jumping out of the window because of nervousness, we finally arrived.

Now, something is weird. All of the other Board examination subjects are there, but the one we are supposed to be looking at wasn't there. We are like that rotating table because we are starting to look like as if other people will be frightened to stay near us. Even the guard was looking at us; I was starting to feel him reaching for the telephone receiver. Probably calling the mental asylum. From that point I urged my sister into believing that it was not yet posted. She was finally convinced, and we got out of that darn place promptly and foolishly. Hurrah.

Next, we went back to the road where my sister's boarding house was before, while studying for the exam. Ah yes, the memories. I remembered the times I walked these roads--these darn pathways--before getting to my sister's place.

Anyways, we decided (finally!) to settle to a computer cafe. See the irony? We went all the way to Manila just to go to a computer shop! If that's the case, then there are a handful of them back home in Pasig! Funny, ain't it?

So we rented two units. My sister was starting to surf the Internet, so did I. Darn it is still slow. And, in between of those desperations, I was stealing glances at the near unit to mine--he was now looking at that very list! I played it safe, and whispered to my sister that news. She stared to me, as if she was urging me to throw her outside. I decided not to. Even I am enjoying the suspense.

We asked kindly for that stranger to please look up at our name. God, even the man was slow! Sunday driving?! Anyways, we finally got to the section and there it was. My sister's name. Well, it was supposed to be glittering but what the heck. My sister was full of glee. Finally all our sordid thoughts stopped!

So we went to Manila to go to PRC and we didn't saw the list. So we went to a computer cafe and rented our own unit but ended up looking up at other's. So my sister passed that darn controversial test. So my sister is the expected Messiah, the savior of our race.

What the heck. My sister passed the exam!

Here's comes the truth... And it wil hurt...

I guess I don't really have to lie anymore. Yes, all of it was a lie. No wonder this happened to me.

You can look down at me. Don't worry, I deserve it. I mustn't be greeted with words of encouragement. I don't need them. Regrets? Yup, I have them--all of them, actually. If only we have done things we can, then maybe we can still be. But, that is its downfall. We didn't. If only things did their part, then we may still be as we are: one.

Are you able remember your word? Am I able to remember my reply? Is it human error? Are the angels playing their schemes against us?

If only I could answer my questions, I may still have no reservations about loving you. How stupid of me.

LSS

For these past days, many songs are running to my minds. Scary, huh? Fortunately, I know their titles. So, instead of repeating them over and over again, here's the lines that had been tingling in my ears.

o0O0o

Your way too beautiful girl,
that's why it'll never work,
you have me suicidal, suicidal,
when you say it's over,
damn all these beautiful girls,
they only wanna do ya dur,
they'll have you suicidal, sucidal,
when they say it's over,

o0O0o

I never felt nothing in the world like this before

Now I'm missing you & I'm wishing that you would come back through my door

Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

o0O0o

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go

o0O0o

Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City

I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

o0O0o

And I don't know

This could break my heart or save me

Nothing's real

Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it's never really over

And I don't knowI could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right

No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing

Been a long road since those hands

I left my tears in but

I knowIt's never really over, no

Wake upThree months and I'm still standing here

Three months and I'm getting better yeah

Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now

Three months I've been living here without you now

Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

o0O0o

That's all!

Fragile: The second time

For sometime now, I really do not understand what the movie really is about. Every now and then, you can see children with their bones broken, as if it is only a stick. If the movie is all about that, maybe I will be able to break mine too. But, of course, not. The movie is really about obsession of a nurse to her patient.

This movie is about a certain person whom the name is easily forgotten, maybe because of it's familiar everywhere. Oh yeah, I remembered. Her name is Amy. It is also revolving around the incident between Charlotte and Mandy, and also the second floor mystery. Eerie at first, really.

Well, I am not revealing the plot. Because, if I do that, I will be a big spoiler in the movie industry. Especially, here in our country, plagiarism is very morbid. Everywhere, you can see pirated videos ranging from well-known movies to obscene ones. Well, enough with that.

I really am encouraging you to watch this movie. Even I am amazed. And, with that withstanding amazement, it makes you watch the movie again.

funny, ain't it?

the real deal,,,

Who thought this day is useless? Well, me, of course. I mean, my day is as linear as it is. My class started at 1 pm! That means, my week "ends" started from the first half of Wednesday up to the first half of Tuesday, or today. See? My "weekend" is very long and very boring... Humm...


We had our test today in Logic. The test wasn't really hard but with a twist: it is harder to guess than to actually discover the answer. It is about fallacy. Okay, I was just joking. The test was really hard. You know all the fallacies there is, but, once the test is right in front of you, you forget everything. Funny, ain't it?


That's all. See how short my day is?

Why is mine not longer and hers is much, much detailed?

1st Question: Indicate the difference between jealousy and envy.
Jealousy- you see something in one person and wishes that you too have it; while
Envy- you see something in one person and wished that it will be yours, thus, that person will lose that something.

Isn't it stupid to wonder for something that is really obvious and, when you look at it, you see it that you've wondered about that thing before? Usually, it makes fun of me. Hmm, now that I mention it, we should call it with something, so as to avoid relation to other words.

2nd Question: What word?
Well, I don't know. I'm not good at etymology or something like that. I'm only suggesting, dummy.

Haha. This is short.

Seeing hurts, and it hurts deeply.

Seeing hurts. It is like a spear that you plunged in your heart and, adding insult to injury, push on it deeper until it pops up on the other side. It is like playing darts where you will never stop aiming and throwing your damned darts to the board until you hit the bull's eye.

And it hurts.




Really.




You want something so bad that it became really hard to release it and focus on something else.



Wonder why?





I don't know...



Maybe... Just maybe...




That's love.

I am eerie. Today's eerie.

This day is the dullest day of my life, so far. I mean, I am a sordid true-talker today. I always say bad bad things about others. I even lie. See the intensity?? Well, all I could say to myself, I did what I can. At least, I've just pasted a filler to that gaping hole of mine. Hurrah, I am good. No, I am the best. Sorry for my stupidity and my egocentric and short-lived pride T.T

Well, at least I am innocent now. I am free. Wooh, It felt better than when I am saying it over and over inside my head.

I am not your booboo diary.

Booboo (bu-bu) - slang for something that hurts

I am not your booboo diary. No matter how difficult or hardheaded your heart is, please, don't share your mishap to me.

I am not your booboo diary. My life wasn't meant to listen day and day to your cries, weeps, shrieks and sobs. Not because I am a friend of yours, it already mean that I am a pillow you can put your snots at. I am not your trampoline that you just jump to up and down. Too bad for you, I am not ready for all of that.

Face the truth: I am not a booboo diary. I am not supposed to be told of everything you feel strange: if you can feel your heart stopped from beating, then drop dead, if you may. You shared everything at least; it is more than enough "legacy," really.

To put an end in this madness: I am not your booboo diary. I am a person and I don't meddle with your personal affairs, if that is what you are looking forward for. Too bad for your mishaps. Too bad your favorite flower die. Too bad your most-awaited taho fell in your hands (you're a klutz, dummy.)

In the end, I don't really care. Again, too bad for you.

Wait.

When will I learn? I mean, I am always making the same mistakes--the same boring and untalented acts--and yet I don't learn from it. Don't you think it is somewhat stupid to even call yourself smart if you aren't smart and decisive with your actions.

First Query: Is it really failure? Is this rain a failure? No, because there is no such thing as failure. Failure are only made by people, not man-made entities. Man thinks it is failure because it is to him. But, in truth, he is the failure because he missed the point: it is only there to make you think again.

Second Query: Do you think I'm stupid? Yeah, because you are forgetful. You are stupid because you only understand half truths and whole lies. You are stupid because you regard yourself as a much more stupid person. Stupid? Yes, because you are.

There you have it, all the dilemmas and predicaments I pondered as I am walking home. Haha, funny ain't it?

Hmmp to you too, minuteman.

I am mad at you and you didn't even noticed. Am I just too easy to be ignored? I mean, I opened up to you and trusted you. And, what did you do? Oh yeah, you spoiled my little secret. Trust, for me, is the only thing I couldn't give recklessly. And, by just one mistake, it may be gone to you. View it as if I am giving you two candies for yourself. But, you stupidly shared the other one to someone as arrogant as you, then you see my point. Then you ask yourself, where is the candy? In some other's tummy, fool. I gave it to you?! Why did you shared it with someone else??

For this, I hate you. Sorry, but the situation is entirely irreversible. When you look at it, it is nothing but a fallen leaf but to me, it is a whole tree. A whole tree was toppled by someone so dim-witted as you. *Sigh*

I am feeling sorry for you. It is because you just let me see how shallow-minded you are. Still, you swim near the shore; please try the deep waters. Then I will see you drowning. And, trust me, I will take a picture of you drowning as a remembrance of my success of revenge.

Stop waving, dammit!

It felt like good bye. I mean, it really did. Am I supposed to look at it as if it is even ironic, or should I walk to him and say something that can help restore what was lost? Can I, in my powers, can do such trememdous task? Yes, maybe, if it is my last resort.

Stop waving, dammit. You are not helping. You are supposed to be helping him to get back to us and not tolerating his sudden behavior. Believe, I tell you. Believe. Believe even once--believe as if you will die tomorrow and you are preventing it--believe as if you are just saying hello instead of good bye.

You know what, I can't write anymore. I can't continue this. I should be doing it, not jsut writing it. But, when all else fails, maybe it is a good bye. Maybe we can't prevent him from choosing his own path, even if we think he is choosing a wrong one. Maybe, it is too early to judge something so gargantuan, so big. Maybe, we'll just have to wait. Patience, my boy. Patience.

Because of you.

Who broke the puzzle? Was it you? Of course it is you, I caught you red-handed. You are disarranging everything and making unnecessary marks on my lovely piece. Who are you, you didn't even put effort in setting it up, then look at you: you are ruining my picturesque of beauty. Who will I accuse? Who else?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You've made quite a mess. You destroyed my puzzle, you put water to my paper, you smeared my only loved letters with ink. How stupid can you get? Even better?? Duh, I mean, you are a college student yourself, you always make it a point that you came from a prestigious school (who by the way is really unknown to me), and you are honed by a different set of friends, yet you still make the same mistake. Is it intentional? Is it? Tell me, or I will not spare you my understanding.

I am always doubtful if ever it is you that I am supposed to blame. I mean, you are that same childish teenager who I don't get along very well with, but still, you are as good as you are. Well, after what you've done, I can't tell anymore. You are that klutz--klutz with words, actions, and almost everything. No, I mean, everything.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I can really tell that it is you who is supposed to be blame. We are a good circle. A near perfect circle. But, what you did is that you erased a part of it and draw a skewing line. Stupid, stupid.

Put the gun in your mouth and push the trigger.

Do you remember what I wrote about lying? I can't believe I will be taking part in that hypothesis. And, in one part of it, I have to lie to myself.

Is is really necessity to lie to yourself? You always tell yourself that everything is as okay as it is before it is broken, yet you know to yourself that it is never okay. You always look away from seeing something, yet you know there is something going on that is bad.

"Willful ignorance is intolerable."

Is it really intolerable? Yeah, maybe, because you are making a fool out of yourself. I mean, who is stupid enough to believe in himself that everything is good as it is? Willful ignorance is like doing a favor to yourself. Instead of indulging yourself in the abhorrent "wordly" splendour, you just sit silently in a corner, pretending like a wussy little girl hiding beneath his momma's dress. Bad? No, of course not. It is good for you, remember?

Well, it ends here. I don't want to expound on the same fact that I am lying to myself. I can't even tell myself to be good to me even once. Even once.

Raison D'etre (Reason to Be)

There she lays, in the half-lit corridor, naked & in peace. Distraught took over her; she was overpowered by desire. There she lays, a knife at hand, silenced as if mute. Her eyes swollen from fear, her tears filled. Slowly, it rilled down, pulled by the weight above her.

Despair, despair. Her arms were seized by darkness. She shouted but no help echoed in the gloomy abyss. She shrieked but only heard herself strained by the hopeless terror before her.

She felt every finger, every hand and every slap. Out of the lust, her life was transformed. Whispers are all over her; her heart, beaten and terrified to even fight back.

She closed her eyes, wishing that everything is a dream. "Is it a dream?" she asked. She prayed and prayed but her voice was hushed by the nightmare.

Slowly, she felt her body being freed from the darkness. She sighed. And, inch by inch her body was being raised. The playful breeze mingled with her bare chest, telling her that everything will end. And, as if in an instant, she felt her body falling to a deeper circle, deeper than the voices she heard. Above, she can hear the mischievous laughters of the differed ones,as if observing her. Then, everything went to blank as she hears a silent fall beyond the trees.

Wahaha

My Japanese Name Is...

Shou Kujo

I don't think so

Liar goes to hell. Liar goes to hell. Ever heard of a liar that went up to heaven? Of course never, or you must be dead by now. Then, who are making all the replies to my question? Humm... Makes me wonder...

View lying as a necessity. Sometimes you really have to lie for one sole reason: you must protect something. You must save something from certain destruction or else, it will fall right before us. No, it is not white lies. White lies are lies you make to save yourself from being hated by that person. The lies i'm talking about are the lies of self-sustenance or, in other words, lies that can negate undermining relationships.

I guess I don't have anything to talk about. I just want to make it a point that lies are substantial in living and it is not a sin. Sometimes we have to do it to protect what we think is the best for me.

Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story ---- Movie Review # 1

This is my first movie review! How exciting is that! At least, I will know that my blog is now, as in now, interactive with the world. Hurrah, hurrah!

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Gory. I woke up in 1 in the morning and what did I found: a bloodthirsty man, seeking for another meal--a human meal, by the way--on the net. This, at first, looked scary. Who wanted to be asked to be dined? I mean, he is saying on his customers that he is dead serious about the eating and masticating and stuff but, who would?

Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story is not scary. It is just so UN-understandable. It has its eerie scenes where you will see his victim’s half-dead on a tin table and Oliver Hartwin holding the knife against his meal. Then, he stabbed him repeatedly on the throat until he was dead. From then on you will know what will happen to the dead guy (his name is Simon Grombeck). Imagine him carefully slicing the meaty parts, the thigh, the arms and the breasts, and slowly cooking them and eating them as if they were meat.

The story is all about a woman named Katie Armstrong, who was a student studying criminal psychology. She was preparing her researches about a rather disturbing topic: the cannibal killer Oliver Hartwin. In the movie, she went to places that have been part of Oliver's past: their home where his mother died & his school where he met a friend who was dealing the same problem as he is: inferiority.

Katie was really absorbed in her thesis topic. Her friends referred to her as being obsessed, but she replied, quoting "It is just human curiosity. We all have it." From then on she continued and pursued her research. And, on one point, she decided to look for the controversial tape, the tape that Oliver took himself, recording his manslaughter. To her surprise, her e-mail received a reply that a certain unnamed person has the tape. She continued to negotiate, preparing for the necessary arrangements for the proper retrieval. Oddly enough, as if by magic or something, the tape was in her doorstep the second she replied to that man her address.

The man told her to look outside. Then, the tape is there. Though bewildered, she got the tape then quickly went back inside. She went in front of the TV. She opened the package, which contained the VHS tape, then inserted it on the player. Then, the true story behind the hearsays.

There had been much feedback as she was watching; most often she closed her eyes and ears, trying not to let the screams, shrieks and cries get into her. But all of it was ineffective because she just cannot remove her eyes on it. All she did was sob and it was useless. And, in the end, she removed the tape, destroyed the film, and threw it on the ground. Then she crouched, sobbing and crying from the experience that is too true to her.

This movie was banned all over Germany--the country it was supposed to be for. The German court said that it was "infringing the personal rights of Armin Meiwes." It was from him the inspiration of the character Oliver Hartwin was withdrawn from. But, the film was sold for international release and is shown worldwide. So, there you have it.

Again, the Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story is not scary. It is not vulgar, either. It is just that, it was like auto-suggestion. It doesn't need words anymore to describe it because there are the scenes that recognize its entirety as a reminder that past can hurt and the past can destroy, too.

Hurrah, Hurrah.

In my opinion, this day is the most useless of my life. Many sharp edges have been drawn, many pencils have been left unsharpened and many scribbles are yet to be erased. Guess what, it is because of *drum roll please* you!

Why do you have to eat up my time only because you are required to do so? I mean, we all have our lives. Why urge yourself to be in my position when it is you in fact who have been at the top? You don't have to do this for me. I am flattered.

And, surprises, you made me go haywire. You destroyed my daily routines. Even my speeches of "leave me alone" or "ignore me, please" didn't worked. I had been worrying that someday, you may be able to interfere even with my most confidential affairs. How stupid are you? Or, rather, how stupid AM I?

Just to tell you, your dirty scheme worked again. Good for you! You are, at least, still useful! Even as if it is meant to destroy, I wish that you will continue what you have been doing in ages and maybe, just maybe, you will reconsider yourself how ignorant you are. Why? Can't you tell? I love you!

PS: Whoever you are, damn you. You are so so adorable to me. I wish I could just hang you like an afterwashed teddy bear in a clothesline and letting you drip with water. Maybe I could see you in an opposite way as I can see you now.

Burn.

PS: If you will read this, you can do two things. One is to plan a heist to kill me. Second is, set up a miniature torture cabinet with long nails embedded on the sides and going in it. It is justifiable to me if you will choose the first one. But, if the second one is your choice, there is something wrong with you. Go check yourself. Go to a psychologist or a sidewalk fortune teller. And, while going there, check your hands if you really have ten fingers. If it is only nine, I'm suggesting to you to start freaking out now.

PS2: What a start! Please read it or you will die in 3 minutes. Someone will creep up behind you and slash your head with a cutter. Please be aware of the details of the killer then tell them to me, okay?

First, let us discuss your uber-undecisive actions. Did you know that you are very very annoying? Yes, you are smart, witty, impractical and overtalented for a person. But, can't you just shut up? I mean, we want to hear ourselves too. Yes, your voice is loud (that is annoying too), but, you are too loud for me. The teacher is speaking and you're speaking too. You are suggesting topics that you can't stand by with, and you are making a fool out of yourself when with the "postmodern" tools. We already know you're from the province. Trust me, everyone knows.

Probably the next one is very very very annoying just because you can't do it right. You are always talking in a dialect you are not really familiar with. How stupid of you to talk stupidly, right? You sounded like a funny mouse with one ear and a short tail to me.

Third? Uhh... There is no third. Please, let us respect the third one because that is me.

You are annoying, face it. Only your peers are liking you. Not me. Too bad for you.

Bang! Bang!

Still, I am stagnant. Why must the good die young! I'm just joking. I'm sorry, I am not dying. So stop waving flags with smileys on them. They are an insult to my utter living in this world.

As a start, I have nothing to write about. Except those little details I misread this damn week. Here they are, bulleted with style!

• I am thankful this week because my new friends didn't break up. I really thought that we will be dead meat these following days but, thank God we are able to form those ties that are supposedly to be cut with big pair of scissors. I really hope that it will continue. Yup, I hope so.
• I am always thinking that everything has their purpose. Well, for this week, I think this had been set up for me to recollect my thoughts about some things. That is one thing I have thought of. The second is that this is a form of religious punishment. God punished me for being a big liar (and I will not expound more on that, thank you). I imagined that God will walk down the heavenly bridge to our house and come in and spank me in my ass but this is something else. God really is open minded. He has ways so different and ways that you will never ever forget. This experience taught me to be mindful of my ways and be careful about the fragility of life and frailty. Hurrah, hurrah. God had shown me something this week. And I really thought it is Beelzebub that has gotten into me.
• This taught me to be smart about myself. I mean, I always think that it is only me, me and me. Only to know in the end that it isn't only me. There really exist people that are called "them." I am not the only darn person in this world who are doing mistakes in life. I am just a speck in Earth's bushes.

Those are the general things I learned. Hopefully, you too may learn from it. And, if you ever get confused if this is from the Bible or not, don't be. This too is done by a complete failure like you. In here, complete failure means only one thing: a growing perfection.

Kelas, anyone?

This is the most inspiring instrumental blabber that has gotten me shivering still. Gotta listen to this, okay?

Okay, that was a bad start.

I really believe that the pasture is greener on the other side. Hah, I do. Now, on the lighter side.

o0O0o

I am stagnant this week. I am. With all the tests, seatworks, assignments and recitations I have missed, I can see that it will be hell next week. Adding insult to injury, I have to stay to bed for 4 days. 4 days! Can you imagine that! If I was water, mosquitos will breed on me. Plus, when we had that insulting check-up, they told me that I was having a fever. A F-E-V-E-R! Spell that to me & please identify how it can help me next week!

On the plus side, if there are, I was able to made serious words out of the texts of my blockmates, classmates, whatsoever. So here they are.

• Never say easy come, easy go. See it as a bird. If you have it in your hand, would you let it go? Of course no, it is hard to catch one. Imagine sitting in an open field with your palms open, waiting for anything to fall on your waiting hands.
• If possible, bind everything with a rope. Make sure it is secure and that everything is compacted. Imagine a can of sardines. Then you will see the hang of it.
• Look back. Maybe you are being tailed by a kidnapper or a hostage taker. Be very aware.
• Study yourself before you study others. Be sure they are of the same sex or else you will get that slap on your face or your first black eye ever.
• Lastly, be careful of your words. If you have to add, then add. Have to remove? Then do so. That is the beginning of every conflict: carelessness. If you can't stand up by your words, then just SHUT UP. Okay?

As a conclusion, sleep tight and remember to pray. Pray that you will be safe everyday. Or else, you will be asked to survive every damned moment you are on the news, telling you that you are in fact, been taken as a hostage. PS: it is not a valid school excuse. Well, unless we see proof, see you on the TV or local newspapers or some money.

I don't really have to, do I?

I don't really care. How shallow you are just to tell me that everything will change if I won't allow one thing--one moment--to pass by! Duh!

I'm sorry but this is murder. I wish for me to be killed. I don't know but any way any how I wish to be killed. Either now. Or later. Whatsoever! I just wanna be out of this body of mine! The frailty hurts more than the sickness, I tell you.

I really believe that the reason I am sick now is because of them. Why? It is their unintentional yet stupid words forced me off the limits. I mean, I know self-control. But when you're battered with a wooden chair that don't break, you will be forced to see yourself as they see you. Now look at me. Every single step heaves my breathing. Every up and down the stairs, and I am out of breath. Please don't let me tell the whole story; it will be lengthy and tearful, I tell you. It will be then that you will see me as that stupid midget who does as what others tell him. I am stupid, by the way; I know I am.

PS: I have to be honest to myself. I really have to.

No.

I don't like it anymore. It is like being someone so egocentric and so foolish enough just to say something in an argument. And, hurrah, hurrah, it's me!

Stupid? Yes! I am very meek, too shy to hurt someone. My words are harsh that's why I am trying to be laconic. Too bad, I say to myself, or I will be bad myself.

o0O0o

This day is very, very weird. Everyone, even if supposed to be unaffected, was hurt by certain circumstances. Even I am trying to bind the link. But, my hands are very weak. They are trembling, as if I am flimsy myself. Even if, I always tell myself, I will do everything. As in everything.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I even expected that everything will be done in just only one whole day. How stupid! I know it is hard to mend large holes. I know it is somehow complicated to put small things by their shapes (if they even have shapes). One thing there: I should have been considerate enough to know what may come.

Well, like we always say, thank God there is always something to expect. Or else...